Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. Narcissistic personality disorder isn’t the same as self-confidence, or being self-absorbed. It is a psychiatric condition.
When someone posts one too many selfies or talks about themselves constantly during a first date, people may teasingly call them a narcissist. But a true narcissist is someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The psychiatric condition is characterised by:
• an inflated sense of importance
• a deep need for excessive attention and admiration
• complete lack of empathy for others
• often having troubled relationships
What it boils down to is selfishness at the extreme expense of others, plus the inability to consider others’ feelings at all. NPD, like most psychiatric disorders, isn’t black and white. Narcissism falls on a spectrum.
The most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine criteria for NPD, but it specifies that someone only needs to meet five of them to clinically qualify as a narcissist. The nine official diagnostic criteria for NPD are:
• grandiose sense of self-importance
• preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• a belief that they’re special and unique
• need for excessive admiration
• sense of entitlement
• interpersonally exploitative behaviour
• lack of empathy
• envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
• demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes
The diagnosis of NPD can be made by a qualified expert responsible for that individual’s clinical care. The manner that a narcissist treats others is not healthy and sustainable in the long-run so there is lack of intimacy and communication in relationships which invariably break down at a speed that is varied depending on the tolerance threshold of the recipient. Eventually, they distance themselves, because they become concerned, and that concern is valid if their health is at stake. If the concerns are valid for a partner in that relationship, the only real solution is to walk away from the tyranny.
These are the signs to look out for if you are in a relationship with an individual who may have a diagnosis of NPD:
1. They were charming at first
It started as a fairy tale. Maybe they texted you constantly, or told you they loved you within the first month — something that is colloquially referred to as “love bombing.” Maybe they tell you how smart you are or emphasize how compatible you are, even if you’ve just started seeing each other.
Narcissists believe that they deserve to be with other people who are unique, and that special people are the only ones who can appreciate them fully. But as soon as you do something minor that disappoints them, they can turn on you and things can become very dark as the relationship progresses.
Usually, you’ll have no idea of exactly what you did. How narcissists treat you, or when they turn on you, actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own beliefs. So, the advice is that if someone came on too strong at the beginning, be wary. We all love to be cared for. But real love has to be nurtured and grown. If you think it’s too early for them to really love you, it probably is. Or if you feel like they don’t know enough about you to actually love you, then they probably don’t. So, trust your own instincts. People with NPD will try to manufacture superficial connections early on in a relationship.
2. They dominate the conversation, talking about how great they are
Narcissists love to constantly talk about their own accomplishments and achievements with grandiose. They do this because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it helps them create an appearance of being self-assured. Narcissists will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in these stories in order to gain adoration from others. They’re also too busy talking about themselves to listen to you. The warning is two-part here. First, your partner won’t stop talking about themselves, and second, your partner won’t engage in conversation about you. So, ask yourself: What happens when you do talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions and express interest to learn more about you? Or do they make it about them?
3. They feed off your compliments
Narcissists may seem like they’re super self-confident. But most people with NPD actually lack self-esteem. They need a lot of praise, and if you’re not giving it to them, they’ll fish for it. That’s why they’re constantly looking at you to tell them how great they are. Narcissists use other people — people who are typically highly empathic — to supply their sense of self-worth, and make them feel powerful. But because of their low self-esteem, their egos can be slighted very easily, which increases their need for compliments. The difference here is that people who are actually self-confident won’t solely rely on you, or anyone else, to feel good about themselves. Narcissists need others to lift them up, and lift themselves up only by putting others down. These are two specific things that people with natural high self-confidence never do. To put it bluntly, narcissists punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence.
4. They completely lack empathy
The inability to feel how another person is feeling, is one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist and they also lack the skill to make you feel seen, validated, understood, or accepted because they don’t grasp the concept of feelings. In other words, they “don’t do” emotion, particularly emotion that belongs to others.
Does your partner care when you’ve had a bad day at work, fight with your best friend, or disagree with your parents? Or do they get bored when you express the things that make you upset? The inability to empathize, or even sympathize, is often the reason why many, if not all, narcissists’ relationships eventually collapse, whether they’re romantic or not.
5. They take your friends
Most narcissists won’t have long-term, real friends. Dig deeper into their connections and you may notice that they only have casual acquaintances. As a result, they might lash out when you want to hang out with yours. They might claim that you don’t spend enough time with them, make you feel guilty for spending time with your own friends, or berate you for the types of friends you have.
The question to ask is:
• How does your partner treat someone they don’t want anything from?
6. They pick on you constantly
Maybe at first it felt like teasing, but then it got mean or became constant. Suddenly, everything you do, from what you wear and eat to who you hang out with and what you watch on TV, is a problem for them. They’ll put you down, call you names, hit you with hurtful one-liners, and make jokes that aren’t quite funny. Their goal is to lower other’s self-esteem so that they can increase their own, because it makes them feel powerful.
What’s more, reacting to what they say only reinforces their behaviour. A narcissist loves a reaction. That’s because it shows them that they have the power to affect another’s emotional state.
A warning sign: If they knock you down with insults when you do something worth celebrating, get away. A narcissist might say ‘You were able to do that because I didn’t sleep well’ or some excuse to make it seem like you have an advantage that they didn’t have.
They want you to know that you’re not better than them. Because, to them, nobody is.
7. They gaslight you
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it’s a hallmark of narcissism. Narcissists may spew blatant lies, falsely accuse others, spin the truth, and ultimately distort your reality.
Signs of gaslighting include the following:
• You no longer feel like the person you used to be.
• You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be.
• You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive.
• You feel like everything you do is wrong.
• You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong.
• You’re apologizing often.
• You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is.
• You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate.
• You make excuses for your partner’s behaviour.
They do this to cause others to doubt themselves as a way to gain superiority. Narcissists thrive on being worshipped, so they use manipulation tactics to get you to do just that.
8. They dance around defining the relationship
There are thousands of reasons someone might not want to label your relationship. Maybe they’re polyamorous, you’ve both agreed to being friends, or you’re simply keeping it casual. But if your partner is exhibiting some of the other symptoms on this list and won’t commit, it’s likely a red flag.
Some narcissists will expect you to treat them like they’re your partner so they can reap the intimate, emotional, and financial benefits while also keeping an eye out for prospects that they deem superior.
In fact, you may notice that your partner displays inappropriate affection towards others in front of you, your family, or your friends.
If you speak up and own your feelings about their disrespect, they will blame you for causing a fuss, call you unbalanced, and use it as further reason not to commit fully to you. If you don’t say a word, that also gives a non-spoken message that you don’t deserve to be respected. If it sounds like a lose-lose situation, that’s because it is. But remember that you deserve someone who is as committed to you as you are to them.
9. They think they’re right about everything and never apologise
Fighting with a narcissist feels impossible. There is no debating or compromising with a narcissist, because they are always right. They won’t necessarily see a disagreement as a disagreement. They’ll just see it as them teaching you some truth.
You are dealing with a narcissist if you feel like your partner:
• doesn’t hear you
• won’t understand you
• doesn’t take responsibility for their part in the issue
• doesn’t ever try to compromise
While ending the relationship is the best plan with a narcissist, it is best to avoid negotiation and arguments. Don’t try to reason with or confront a narcissist, because they never accept accountability or responsibility and they will try to make you feel as if you are the unreasonable one. The thing that drives a narcissist spiralling down into a fog of confusion is lack of control. They need to be in control of the narrative so they will fight to the bitter end, and change your history together to escape responsibility for their own actions. The less you fight back, and the less power you can give them over you, the better.
And because they never think they’re wrong, they never apologize. About anything.
This inability to apologize could reveal itself in situations where your partner is obviously at fault, for example:
• showing up for a dinner reservation late
• not calling when they said they would
• canceling important plans last minute, when meeting your parents or friends
Good partners are able to recognize when they’ve done something wrong and apologize for it.
10. They panic when you try to break up with them
As soon as you back away, a narcissist will try that much harder to keep you in their lives. At first, they may “love-bomb” you. They’ll say all the right things to make you think that they have changed. But soon enough, they’ll show you that they have never changed. Because they can’t and won’t try. And because of this, many narcissists find themselves in on-again, off-again relationships.
11. When you show them that you’re really done, they can dangerously lash out
If you insist that you’re done with the relationship, they’ll make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them. Their ego is so severely bruised that it causes them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who ‘wronged’ them. That’s because everything is everyone else’s fault. Including the breakup. The result? They might bad-mouth you to save face. Or they might start immediately seeing someone else to make you feel jealous and help heal their ego. Or they’ll try to steal your friends. The reason is because a good reputation means everything to them, and they won’t let anyone or anything interfere with it.
If you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD, chances are you’ve already experienced quite a bit of hardship and emotional abuse.
Being in a relationship with someone who’s always criticizing, belittling, gaslighting, and not committing to you is emotionally exhausting. That’s why, for your own sanity, experts recommend that you get out of the relationship and never look back.
How to prepare for a breakup with a narcissist:
• Remind yourself that you deserve better.
• Strengthen your relationships with your empathetic friends.
• Build a support network with friends and family who can help remind you what is reality.
• Urge your partner to go to therapy.
• Surround yourself with those who care.
You cannot change a person with narcissistic personality disorder or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet their whims and desires. They will never be in tune with you, never empathic to your experiences, and you will always feel empty after an interaction with them.
Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them. Essentially, you’ll never be enough for them, because they’re never enough for themselves. The best thing that you can do is to cut ties. Offer them no explanation. Break up with them and offer no second, third, or fourth chance because a narcissist will most likely make attempts at contacting you and harassing you with calls or texts once they’ve fully processed the rejection. Block them to help you stick with your decision.
Additional Note
Please note that this article isn’t meant to diagnose your partner. It’s meant to outline unacceptable behaviours and reactions in the context of a caring and equitable partnership. None of the signs explained above point to a healthy relationship, NPD or not. And having one or six of these signs doesn’t make your partner a narcissist. Rather, it’s good cause for re-evaluating whether or not you’re thriving in your relationship. You’re not responsible for their behaviour, but you are responsible for taking care of yourself.
Colbé Trust 